Birdbox

If you don’t watch Birdbox… If you don’t look at it, it can’t hurt you.

This week on At Least You Tried we watched the Netflix hit “Birdbox”, a movie so derivative and mediocre it’s scarier than the film itself. By now you’ve certainly heard of this movie or at the very least seen the memes.

An entity has suddenly appeared and caused the people of the world to start killing themselves. Only Mark Wahlberg…. no I mean Sandra Bullock can save her family from these evil creatures. She must take her son “Boy” and her daughter “Girl” to an ambiguous sanctuary that is safe from these creatures for reasons.

Come join us as we watch a movie rated R for John Malkovich’s potty mouth, Machinegun Kelly’s ass, and quick shots of gore…kinda.

Don’t worry, we have enough blindfolds and birds for everyone.


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Undefeatable

This week on At Least You Tried Tyler came bearing a gift, a meme worthy movie called Undefeatable. This movie is a non stop barrage of fight scenes, ninja weapons, awful boyfriends, and screaming your ex’s name for two thirds of the movie. This movie is by far the best thing we’ve watched in ages and it’s available in full on Youtube.


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Crocodile Dundee in LA

This week we watched the chilling conclusion to the Crocodile Dundrilogy…Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Actually, this film had no business being squeezed out of Paul Hogan’s colostomy bag 13 years after the second movie. The world went the entire length of the 1990’s without Mick Dundee. Who the hell was beating down whose door to get this made?

The first film was an instant classic. Australian redneck Mick Dundee goes to the Big Apple and finds himself in a fish out of water situation every where he turns, but he’s able to charm his way through it with his simple ignorance, a rugged appearance, and a large badass knife. The sequel was surprisingly really good, too. And then you get to part three in L.A. You lost all the timeless 80’s charm and you feel like they were trying to shit out an early 2000’s kids’ movie from Paul Hogan’s constipated and leathered anus. Constipated is probably the correct adjective here because this movie felt so fucking forced into existence. Seriously, the first movie was PG-13 and that’s an 80’s PG-13. Most movies rated PG in the 80’s would be rated R if made these days. The second movie from 1988 was PG, but see the previous sentence. The third movie was PG, but most of the time it felt like it could have been rated G and on the Disney Channel.

For crying out loud, Mick is in his fucking early 60’s in this movie and now they felt it was time to introduce him having a child. This little shit really served as no plot advancement in this movie. If the kid had been edited out of the movie altogether, I seriously doubt any viewer would have felt anything was missing. He only served the purpose of adding kid appeal to the franchise.

The story unfolds with the Dundee family living in the Down Under, but a death at Sue’s dad’s newspaper leaves a vacant job opening that just begs for her to fly to L.A. and fill the dead guy’s shoes until permanently replaced. What a fucking dumb excuse to get the Dundee clan in L.A. The whole small town foreign hillbilly trouncing around the big untamed city story was funny the first time, but it had worn out its comedic welcome by 2001. Nothing new here except for a surprisingly entertaining scene in a Wendy’s drive-thru. As the movie drudged on, we discover that Sue has taken over the role of investigating a shady film studio that’s selling stolen artwork. Yawn. Mick infiltrates the studio incognito and shuts that shit down. The End.

In all honesty, this movie did muster a few laughs, but in the end it was a slap in the balls to the legacy of Dundee.


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The MEG

This week on At least you tried we took a bite into some deep sea action with the 2018 shark thriller The Meg and well if you love shark movies….. you might want to pick something else. But if you love Ruby Rose or Jason Statham then this is for you. Mostly because they’re in it. Get ready for a plot so bland and acting so dry that even a 75 foot long shark wouldn’t want to eat it. So enjoy as we beat the crap out of this movie Jason Statham style!


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Stay Tuned

This week on At Least You Tried we watched a devilishly good little film called “Stay Tuned” John Ritter plays couch potato Roy Knable, a man suckered into owning a demonic TV set by Jeffrey Jones and subsequently sucked into it’s programs along with his wife. This movie has it all:

-Eugene Levy playing a smart ass demon with a heart of gold
-Sinister parodies of classic tv shows and movies
-Jeffrey Jones getting the comeuppance he so deserves (The man was convicted of owning child porn and soliciting a minor, he is complete trash and deserves to be chemically castrated)

For those interested in this film…. good luck finding it. It isn’t on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, etc. You’re only going to find it on RARE VHS or by watching it in full on Youtube. Seriously though, it is a fun movie and if you’re the type to host bad movie nights this should definitely be playing at your next party.


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Nukie

(Guest post by Matt)

Nukie…”a magical space adventure”. Don’t believe the lie on the cover. Well, if you consider two balls of light named Nukie and Miko bumbling through the solar system and crashing to Earth in the first two minutes a magical space adventure then you are in for a real masochistic lie. Seriously, where is the fucking space and where is the goddamn adventure? What we really get here are two aliens that look like leather covered piles of dog shit chunked together to form some kind of bastard hybrid sons of Mac and a crackhead Norwegian troll. Miko crashes in America and is captured by the likes of the evil space foundation; they do some experiments on him to figure out whether he is animal or vegetable. Nukie crash lands in Africa where he gets into all kinds of mischief with the wildlife and locals. We immediately discover that Miko and Nukie can speak telepathically across the Earth. Boy, oh boy, do we wish they couldn’t because all of the dialogue between these two little pricks sounds like the voice actors were just told improvise. We also discover they can speak the language of anything. This ability means that we later get treated to a talking simian named Charlie who tells us of his love for red pants and red shirts. If only someone put this monkey on the original Star Trek, he’d be Shatner fodder instead of something shat into this film. Miko also befriends and teaches a computer named EDDI love. This is where all men watching this movie immediately lose half their penis size. A bunch of other random horse shit happens and that’s Nukie, folks! Grab a 12 pack of Stag, kick your feet up, gather the family around, and have the most awkward family film made seep into your existence.


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Creepshow

Watching bad movies week in and week out can really bum you out if you let it. Sometimes you really just need a pallet cleanser, a good movie to remind you that not everything is trash, or at least that trash can be fun. So for this week we did just that, we watched the classic horror anthology Creepshow. It was Matt and Lance’s first viewing of the film and while it isn’t a perfect movie, it’s always a cheesy fun watch.

Whether it’s Stephen King‘s over the top acting as a backwoods farmer, Leslie Nielsen showing us that he can be downright intimidating, thousands of cockroaches stacked waist high, or yeti creatures in crates eating despicable people Creepshow is a movie unlike any other. If you haven’t seen it yet, honestly this one is worth the $3 it would cost you to stream it. Hell make a night of it and watch the second one too…. Just don’t watch the third. We’re just gonna pretend that one never existed.


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Kung fu zombie

This week we watched a film that slipped into the 80’s asscrack of obscurity…Kung Fu Zombie. And, of course, never letting the group down, this gem has been pulled from Matt’s mythical vault of oddities. Matt bought this on a whim from the Big Lots DVD bargain bin over a decade ago for around two bucks. His life has never been the same. He has been preaching the gospel of KFZ to all and is extremely proud to share it with the rest of the gang. This movie has it all. It’s got great fights, ridiculous dubbing, and a vampiric baddie that always enters the scene to the James Bond theme. No bullshit, it’s the James Bond theme. Some of the scenes in the movie are even enhanced with 30 different camera angles just in case you wanted to see every dimension of a watermelon being sliced. Enough talk, go watch.


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