Hard Target

1993. The year John Woo brought his plague of slow motion doves to the good old U.S.A. And of course, At Least You Tried member Matt, had his fifth grade self parked in a movie theater relishing the Cajun carnage called Hard Target. The Muscles from Brussels was a demigod to him in this fine era of Van Dammage. Little did he know that this was going to be one of the last “good” JCVD movies. It was followed up by Timecop which sixth grade Matt also saw in the theaters. Then, came the Street Fighter downfall. But, that is a tale for another time.

JCVD plays Chance, a bad fucking dude scraping by on the streets with just his kicks and one glorious greasy mullet that would make even Eriq La Salle’s soul glow. Lance Henriksen plays Emil Fouchon that Wikipedia describes as a wealthy sportsman “who hunts homeless men as a form of recreation”. Who doesn’t like to hunt homeless men from time to time? Enter Natasha Binder, one hot mama. Well, Fouchon ends up playing his cat and mouse game with her daddy and her daddy bites the dust. Chance ends up teaming up with Natasha later to play detective and find her daddy. For some reason, Chance knows every goddamn person in the bayou. Well, they find out daddy’s dead and Fouchon is now hunting them, but Fouchon doesn’t know he’s fucking with one Hard Target.

Later, the Quaker Oats guy shows up to whoop some henchmen ass. Special guest appearance by Imhotep himself, too. Little known fact, this movie was tentatively titled The Mummy Zero: Bad Asses on the Bayou. So, if you guys and your boyfriends are looking for some rattle snake abuse, then kick back while JCVD kicks some ass and spouts off some homophobe jokes that wouldn’t fly these days. You won’t regret it.

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The Rift: Dark side of the moon

This week on At Least You Tried we went to a journey that not only made us a question humanity but also made us appreciate music in movies even more. Today we did The Rift: Dark side of the moon. Join us as we learn the mystery of the rift while also just trying to figure out what’s going on everywhere else

Do you enjoy the dead coming back to life, silent astronauts, or musical queues that couldn’t possibly fit the moment any worse? This is the movie for you

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Masters of the Universe

This week on At Least You Tried WE HAVE THE POWER!!!

This week we watched the 1987 classic Masters of the Universe. Capitalizing on the hugely popular He-Man cartoon and toys of the era a movie was made with Dolph Lundgren as the hero himself…. What could go wrong?

Well if you prefer your He-Man wielding guns instead of his sword 90% of the time and never actually transforming (Who’s Prince Adam?) then this is the movie for you! Stabby Synthesizers aside this movie is actually a ton of fun and the fight scenes are pretty well choreographed. As an added bonus we got to view the movie the way God intended, on good old VHS.

So join us this week as we venture out of Eternia to the US of A and witness a fish out of water story where the fish is actually perfectly content out of the water.

Good Journeys!

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Hider in the house

Every once in awhile you get to see excellence. You get to see lightning caught in a bottle and can bask in it’s beauty… This isn’t that exactly but it’s as close as we get with the bad movies watched here on At Least You Tried. This week we watched a lesser known gem called “Hider in the house”

Now before we go any further I’d to play a game. What’s your greatest fear? Did you answer “Someone breaching a place I once thought safe”? Maybe you said “A vicious predator with giant teeth” or possibly even nailed it on the head and said “Gary Busey”…. Well this movie has all three and it’s a crazy crazy ride.

Gary Busey once again graces our podcast as Tom Sykes, a man recently released from a mental institution (Put there for burning his parents alive) and in desperate need of a place to live. Mr. Sykes then gets the brilliant idea to visit a home being constructed and create a secret room in the attic for him to live in. With digs like this Tom wastes no time and makes himself right at home. A nice family moves in and Tom eats their food, steals their stuff, and even bugs their intercom system.

It’s then that Old Tom lays eyes on the beautiful mom Julie and decides he wants so much more. He wants this family to be his and he’ll stop at nothing to get it. I won’t spoil the movie but out of EVERYTHING we’ve watched here on the podcast this might very well be the one I most highly recommend.

Still not convinced? This is the first movie I’ve picked in ages that Alex has enjoyed and even gave it a 5/5. Do yourself a favor and track this film down, it’s a modern classic in garbage cinema.

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The Dark Backward

The Dark Backward is strange film to say the least. Even the name doesn’t really mean anything in the context of the movie. It’s about Marty, a trash man by day and failed stand up comedian by night. In this David Lynch-esque world he lives in, it doesn’t even seem that trash man are a necessity considering how dirty and disgusting everything is everywhere. He picks up trash in one scene with his buddy Gus, played by the always charismatic Bill Paxton, and the trash is just overwhelming. The streets look like landfills.

Marty eventually starts to grow a third arm on his back as people naturally do. Marty’s girl splits and Gus sees this as the opportunity to cash in on this freak limb and incorporate it into Marty’s comedy act. Wayne Newton becomes their talent agent, but Marty is still not funny.

This movie is really carried by the ridiculous and disturbing antics of Bill Paxton, namely necrophilia and SSBBW action. If you’re in the mood for some surreal weirdness, then watch this movie.

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Bebe’s Kids

This week on At Least You Tried we took a trip down memory lane. We decided to check out a hood classic! Today we watched Bebe’s Kids!!! We shared many laughs and had a lot of nostalgia but there were many things wrong with this cartoon. Sit back and relax and enjoy as we talk about this awesome movie.

“We Bebe’s Kids! We don’t die, we multiply!”

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Madea goes to jail

This week on At Least You Tried we begin your favorite time of the year. That’s right, Black History Month!! This year we decided to begin with a character that’s very famous in black movies. You guessed it Madea! Today’s movie is Madea goes to Jail. Even though her name is in the title she probably has the least amount of screen time. So join us as we get into this Tyler Perry classic. Hallelujer! Praise the Lort!

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Who killed Captain Alex?

This week on At Least You Tried Lance brought us a real winner. No you didn’t read that wrong and no it isn’t sarcasm. This week we watched Uganda’s first ever action movie “Who killed Captain Alex?”

This movie comes complete with it’s own rifftrack you can’t turn off…

The movie’s original cut was lost to a power outage ruing the computer it was stored on. The only hard copy they had left was one with a rifftrack done by Uganda’s best VJ (Video Joker). It gives the movie an identity all it’s own. Whether it’s the bullet belt with bullets that are actually sticks or the fact that “Kiss from a rose” plays during action scenes for some reason… This movie is one you aren’t likely to forget and it’s available in complete on Youtube.

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