hard target

Hard Target

1993. The year John Woo brought his plague of slow motion doves to the good old U.S.A. And of course, At Least You Tried member Matt, had his fifth grade self parked in a movie theater relishing the Cajun carnage called Hard Target. The Muscles from Brussels was a demigod to him in this fine era of Van Dammage. Little did he know that this was going to be one of the last “good” JCVD movies. It was followed up by Timecop which sixth grade Matt also saw in the theaters. Then, came the Street Fighter downfall. But, that is a tale for another time.

JCVD plays Chance, a bad fucking dude scraping by on the streets with just his kicks and one glorious greasy mullet that would make even Eriq La Salle’s soul glow. Lance Henriksen plays Emil Fouchon that Wikipedia describes as a wealthy sportsman “who hunts homeless men as a form of recreation”. Who doesn’t like to hunt homeless men from time to time? Enter Natasha Binder, one hot mama. Well, Fouchon ends up playing his cat and mouse game with her daddy and her daddy bites the dust. Chance ends up teaming up with Natasha later to play detective and find her daddy. For some reason, Chance knows every goddamn person in the bayou. Well, they find out daddy’s dead and Fouchon is now hunting them, but Fouchon doesn’t know he’s fucking with one Hard Target.

Later, the Quaker Oats guy shows up to whoop some henchmen ass. Special guest appearance by Imhotep himself, too. Little known fact, this movie was tentatively titled The Mummy Zero: Bad Asses on the Bayou. So, if you guys and your boyfriends are looking for some rattle snake abuse, then kick back while JCVD kicks some ass and spouts off some homophobe jokes that wouldn’t fly these days. You won’t regret it.

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