Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

For this week’s entry we watched Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe, a lesser known gem of a movie starring former wrestler/ governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura. The movie follows our titular hero Abraxas, a space cop out hunting down his former partner gone rogue named Secundus. Secundus is on a mission to impregnate a woman on Earth (and this is where it gets weird) using his glowing palm and then after the child is born he will extract the “Anti life equation” from the child and with it’s power rule the universe. Does that sound bat shit crazy to you? Well it is, it really is.

The movie is just a hodgepodge of WTF moments wrapped up into a semi coherent film. Where the movie really shines though is the over the top action scene where a TON of civilians are harmed FOR NO REASON. From pistol whipping an elderly woman to punching a man off a motorcycle this movie has no qualms about hurting passerby.

The movie also leaves us with many unanswered questions such as:

– Why does NO ONE question the timeline of this child’s birth? The mom goes from not pregnant at all to having a kid in the course of 15 minutes

– Why does the police officer have an uzi? That’s clearly not standard issue

– How did Jim Belushi get to be principal when the thought of actually talking to bullies that torture a mute kid is foreign to him? Also how is Jim Belushi the second billed star when he is only in a single 2 minute scene?

– Finally, who thought the scene where a shirtless Abraxas reads a story to a young boy while in bed was appropriate? It’s possibly one of the cringiest moments I’ve ever scene

This film really is a seeing is believing type of experience so do yourself a favor and scrounge up a copy.

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This month we’re going to be watching movies with stars that aren’t normally actors. It’ll be a month of athletes and musicians trying their hand (and failing) at being movie stars. We could think of no better film to start this month off with than the super hero film Steel starring Shaquille O’Neal.

The movie has Shaq as John Henry Irons an ex military weapons specialist who finds out the technology he helped create is making it’s way onto the streets and is being used for crime. John decides to stop this crime by becoming Steel the armored super hero. All of this sounds pretty awesome until you realize that the villain is the rebellious teen from The Breakfast Club¬†and that his super powered hammer is really only a glorified gun. Not once does he hit something with that hammer.

That aside Steel is an enjoyable ride, though not in the way it’s creators intended, and was a fun watch for us. It had some comical villain deaths, a dog Alex actually liked, and prompted “Grandma’s Souffle!” to be a thing for which we’re all grateful.

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